Stake Conference April 2017
Last July [2016], I was worrying about how I would spend my time wisely while all my kids were in school for the first time. Several weeks later I felt a large lump under my left arm. I showed it to my husband, and we decided to watch it for a week or so, as I had had inflamed lymph nodes there before.
The lump did not get smaller so I went to my doctor on a Monday. He sent me straight to radiology where the radiologist did a mammogram, and then an ultrasound. She told me that it appeared that I probably had a malignancy or cancer of some kind in the lymph nodes, and to come back the next morning for biopsies. I knew all of this was bad but didn’t want to jump to any conclusions. On Wednesday evening the news came that I had breast cancer that had spread to the lymph nodes under my arm. This was a very scary time for me–a period of extreme uncertainty and fear, as we did not understand if the cancer had spread further than these lymph nodes. Our youngest son was five years old, and ready to start kindergarten. My husband had a busy job and was the bishop.
Fortuitously, JG and I had already planned to go to Duluth for the weekend to attend his secretary’s wedding. My parents were coming to stay with the kids. We decided to leave a little earlier than planned to attend the temple. Attending the temple during this stressful time brought us much peace and comfort. We were able to pray and contemplate and just communicate without worrying that children might overhear our discussions and ask questions before we were settled on a direction. This time together gave us the opportunity to think and pray about how we would tell each child and how to best explain everything to them depending on their age level. We were able to plan how JG could change his work and callings, and how I would adapt to the challenges of cancer therapy. I was a cancer nurse—so I knew what was ahead. The weekend was not all stressful either—we felt a gift the Lord gave us as a couple to have fun and be entertained. The capstone of the weekend was attending a very small branch near Duluth. We comprised one-quarter of the congregation. A young teacher tearfully and powerfully spoke on the power of the sacrament. On the drive home we decided how to tell each child individually on our return.
I learned in September that I would need to have six cycles of chemotherapy followed by a double mastectomy and then radiation. This seemed daunting and unmanageable with a busy husband and four children let alone my own busy schedule. I received a priesthood blessing and knew that I would be comforted and the medical team would take good care of me. The blessing also said, however, that the path would not be easy or short. I received warnings that surprised me—that I may need to limit some relationships and unnecessary activities–and made me think about certain things in different ways. We started to rearrange our priorities, finances, and schedules. We are now in the final stages of treatment. I finished radiation last week. I am looking forward to a full recovery.
Everyone has different trials. Mine is a trial that has been apparent from the outside because I had no hair, no eyebrows or eyelashes and I was pale and sick. I have had family members that have struggled with the challenges of mental illness and addiction, and their battle is not so visible nor the path to assistance so clear. I have learned a lot about life and God’s plan over the past year realizing that we all have obstacles to overcome: some big and some small, some known to others and some very personal. Some will go into remission and some will last a lifetime. Some will be harder to overcome than others. They will all help us grow but it doesn’t seem that way at the time.
I have often been reminded of a scripture from the Book of Mormon over the past year. It is in Helaman 5:12:
And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.
We are promised that if we build our foundation upon Christ, Our Redeemer, that no matter what happens we cannot fall. This has been an important promise to me. I have relied on my Savior during this time. I have learned many principles of faith throughout this experience. I am looking back over the last 9 months and realizing I have learned so much. I know that when I look back 5 years from now I will see other blessings that I can’t see right now. This experience and faith-building trial is still very raw and not over yet.
I have often relied on the strength of a loving Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. They have sent the Holy Ghost to comfort and uplift me. I felt this from angels on earth as well as angels in Heaven.
I have learned firsthand and more clearly the roles of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in my life. My Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to return to Him. I also know that He has a plan for me and for you. My plan is different from your plan, but he knows me and what I can handle. He knows my limitations and weaknesses as well as my strengths. When I think about all the many blessings I have on this earth, I think about my mother who has nurtured me throughout my life and my father who has always encouraged and taught me the value of hard work. I have been blessed with 4 brothers and 6 sisters. I have a supportive and loving husband as well as 4 amazing children. I have been given a life-altering challenge in this time of my life but I have also been given the tools to handle it. How was I ever going to continue to teach my children, cook meals, clean my house, attend to my family’s needs, be a supportive and loving wife, be a good friend, the list goes on and on? I know that I cannot do this alone and that is why my loving Heavenly Father has a plan. Part of that plan was to provide a Savior for me. I have relied on my Savior more during this time of my life than any other time.
My Savior Jesus Christ also knows me and loves me. He succors me in times of need and takes away my sorrows. I know that He has felt my pains and He took this from me many times over the past year. I remember thinking many times how He has felt the physical pains of what I have felt. Days 2-6 after chemotherapy were the hardest. I had extreme fatigue and nausea as well as horrible bone pain. My family rallied together and someone was always here to help after my treatments, whether a parent or a sibling.
I often think of the scripture in 2 Nephi 31:20, 21
Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, love of God and of all men. Wherefore, ye shall press forward feasting upon the word of Christ, and Endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.
When reading this scripture I have often contemplated the phrase a perfect brightness of hope. This brings new meaning to me now. There were many times, especially after chemotherapy that I had to remind myself that things would get better. There were many times I would just lay on the couch or in my bed and pray. I felt too weak to read or watch TV. I had to pray for strength to get to the next day. I knew I needed to do these treatments because the alternative wasn’t any better. I had to Press Forward and persevere.
During the time of my chemotherapy, I was not able to attend sacrament most weeks. I am so grateful that my husband was able to give me the sacrament at home. I am grateful for the priesthood, which he holds, and the sincerity in which he protects it. This brought a weekly renewal to me. I was able to contemplate my Savior’s love for me and make a commitment to remember Him. It was an opportunity for me to be boosted up, feel His Spirit and comfort. Truly He did send his Spirit to help me keep going during this time. My Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ sent the Holy Spirit to comfort me on so many occasions I cannot count. I can share some of these experiences but there are others I will not share but will always hold dear to my heart. I also have seen the Holy Ghost work in my behalf by affecting the lives of others. My friends and family were touched by the Spirit to serve me in my times of need. Sometimes it was a text, email, phone call, flowers, meals or letters that made me feel more hope. Sometimes it was a visit from a friend or a phone call from a distant friend or relative. I have a good friend who had gone through cancer treatment ten years ago. She brought me flowers after every chemotherapy and has been beside me every step of the way. She has been an inspiration and a blessing to me. I have also had many who have stepped in and supported my children when it wasn’t possible for me to do so. I have a couple experiences that have stood out as promptings to serve the Lord on my behalf. I have learned that God inspires those that love to comfort His children.
One time when I wasn’t feeling well at all, a note was delivered from a friend. It had a scripture and then a priceless handwritten note: The scripture was from 2 Corinthians 1:2-10. I will just read a couple verses:
Grace be to you and peace from God our Father, and from the Lord Jesus Christ. Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ. And whether we be afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effectual in the enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer; or whether we be comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation. And our hope of you is steadfast, knowing, that as ye are partakers of the sufferings, so shall ye be also of the consolation.
This scripture touched my heart in more ways than one. It helped me at that time, as I was suffering to know that I could also be blessed with peace and consolation. The handwritten note said that she was praying for me and that she hoped I was blessed with the strength and help from the Savior to help me through this difficult time. This renewed my hope and strength.
Another friend who has moved away wrote me a letter> In this letter she told about a gray time in her life and then gave me a segment of a poem she keeps in her heart. It is an excerpt from a poem by Jack Gilbert. It says,
“We must risk delight. We can do without pleasure, but not delight, not enjoyment. We must have the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless furnace of the world.”
This struck a chord with me when I received it. I like the part that says “stubbornness to accept our gladness.” Sometimes we have to accept things that aren’t always easy to accept, and in so doing our spirit rises above earthly challenges to become more like our Savior, who was willing to undergo all the Father gave Him.
Finally, another experience I have witnessed is letters from my dad. My father, who is not a member of our church, prayed that he would know what to do to make my burden lighter. He had a prompting to write me letters. He has written me a hand-written letter every day since I started chemotherapy on September 12th. He didn’t write me while he was here to help. He told me he would tell me his experience and why he needed to write these when I am healthy. I get a letter or two daily depending on the mail system. In these letters he puts a picture and tells me about the picture. Sometimes it is great grandparents I have never met but I get to hear a story about them. Sometimes it is buildings on the farm that have been torn down. Sometimes it is pictures of my siblings and me when we were younger. He wanted me to have at least 5 minutes a day that distracted me from what is going on. This has been invaluable to me–not only the pictures and the stories but also the sacrifice he has made to help me through this time. Every letter ends with, Love you Lots!
Through these acts of love and service I have felt loved–loved by the people who have carried them out and loved by my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. These acts of service have strengthened my testimony because they were answers to prayers. I have a hope that I will be more sensitive to the Spirit and live my life to be more available to receive the promptings I am given. The different acts of service that have been provided to me have changed me.
I am grateful for the opportunity I have had to reflect over the past 9 months. My mother-in-law frequently texts me and thanks me for making the sacrifices I have to get well and fight so that I can be here for my family. This wouldn’t be possible without all the medical technology, doctors and medical teams that work tirelessly on my behalf. I have been truly blessed by medical advances. I also realize God’s hand in healing, in remembering, in prompting, in growth, in courage, and in peace.
I know He listens and He hears. He has comforted me in my tribulation, and He has blessed my children and my family directly and through the hands and hugs of saints and friends. I know that salvation and the abundant life comes through our Savior, Jesus Christ, and I pray that I can be His hands to help others.